WEBVTT

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going to mental health and seeking

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mental health treatment will impact

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your career . I started out my career

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flying on the MH 53 J and the mic model

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pave low aircraft . I was a housekeeper

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and then I worked my way up to a work

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leader which is in charge of the

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housekeepers . I joined the Air Force

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in 2007 . Came in E . O . D . Right out

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the gate . We were conducting special

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operations with the task force going

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after high value targets during a

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resupply mission . I think it was the

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last talk . We had come back to bagram ,

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reloaded the aircraft and at that point

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we took off our last top uh last

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portion of the story for that day . Our

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aircraft was , which was the second

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aircraft in the formation . So we were

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the trail bird , experienced

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catastrophic engine failure . I come

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from a very large family who now I know

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most of them have anxiety . Got married

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in 2016 to my husband , he was in fuel

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systems , they deploy a lot . His first

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deployment was in 2018 and I found

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myself having not a lot of friends , no

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family . So November 17 , 2009 was two

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days after my birthday . I got into my

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very first firefight . We were came

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under attack just for several

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dismounted ambush positions . They

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essentially set it up knowing that we

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would stop and split our forces . But I

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did my job , you know , uh sitting by

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my 240 covered my sector and I ended up

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pulling the trigger . We ended up

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crashing uh and the aircraft caught on

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fire , broken half out of the six crew

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members myself included in that 64 of

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my good friends died in that crash .

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And we had a small contingent of some

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team members in the back and one of

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those individuals passed away as well

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and one was significantly injured . I

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was medevacked with that person back to

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launch tool and then on to uh to bam

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see from there . When I was like , um I

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would say like 13 or 14 , I was like

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reckless , I would drive four wheelers ,

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um do all the crazy stuff kids do . And

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then as I got older , I couldn't even

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go down a dirt road , I couldn't shop

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online um for the fear of someone

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stealing my money and it affected my

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marriage because my husband was very

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outgoing , spontaneous um

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internet purchasing person . And it

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stopped him from having fun as well .

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And it frustrated him too . We were

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clearing a bizarre um there were two

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marines wounded , one was a triple

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amputee , he lost both of his legs and

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one arm and then another marine . Um I

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imagine was a little bit in front of

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him . When the second marine stepped on

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that I ? D established radio connection ,

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tell him what's going on . We we go

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back and forth and then when I finish

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and make sure that he's got the right

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grid , I turn and look and in that

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doorway was that marine that had

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cleared me in . And

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and I d goes off That combat deployment

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ended in a pretty tragic way with the

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loss of four very close friends of mine

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while the body was sore and beat up .

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Uh it wasn't , it wasn't the physical

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part that I was struggling with . There

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was , there was some definite issues

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that I was dealing with up here and

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rightfully so right . It was a tragic

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event when you have anxiety and a

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little bit of the depression you kind

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of feel because you know , something is

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wrong with you . You feel like a giant

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burden to literally everyone who you

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come in contact with . There were times

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at work where um I had panic attacks

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and I had to go home because a panic

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attack is not something that just comes

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and goes away . I kept going over in my

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head what happened and in my mind

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an explosive device killed

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a marine right next to what's supposed

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to be an explosive expert . That's not

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my fault written in all caps and nobody

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could tell me otherwise . And this is

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probably one of the biggest reasons

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that I needed , I needed to get a

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little bit of help was survivor's guilt .

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One of the individuals in particular

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was a member of the same class that I

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graduated with and going through our

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flying training unit , you know ,

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before we left . Mr walk up tom walk up

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senior as you would expect any

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father to do . You know , standing

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there by the bus getting ready to send

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his son off . Uh You know he brought me

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over the side and he's like hey man you

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guys be safe uh do everything you can

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you know hey bring my boy back bring my

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boy back in good health and good

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condition right ? And I didn't do that

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on a very very bad night

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after some heavy drinking . I

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attempted suicide And Monday comes

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around and I went to work and told

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no one still going to mental health

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but I wasn't taking it seriously

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anymore . Another deployment comes down

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the pipe and I told myself that I if I

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wanted to do this I needed to to fix it .

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And so my fixing it was I basically

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started lying at mental health and

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played my I thought

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everybody in that lobby was gonna look

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at me like oh my God she's here . What ?

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She's crazy . But the truth is they're

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all there for the same reason or a

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similar reason . They're not there to

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go out to eat , they're not shopping .

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So I saw my therapist , she diagnosed

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me with severe anxiety , severe O . C .

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D . She said we're gonna get you better

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we're gonna get through this , don't

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you know don't stress about it . But

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she said that I would need medicine .

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Um I was petrified . I was like okay

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how long would I have to take them ?

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She said for the rest of your life and

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I was like , what I saw my psychiatrist ,

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we got me on a medicine , it didn't

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work . Um , and then I took another

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medicine that I still take today , uh ,

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every day . Um and it has helped

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me tremendously . The leaders in my

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unit devoted time away from their

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job . And they kind of surrounded me

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and said , hey , we want you to go do

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this . And that was , they put me uh

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in a meeting with the sox psychologist ,

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I got some help . I got some real help .

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Everything I felt was perfectly normal .

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Everything I felt was okay in the

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beginning . I didn't feel like I needed

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to be there again . Quite professional ,

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strong . I'll take care of this myself

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25 or 30 minutes later . Um balling and

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spilling my , spilling my guts out in

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his , in his office . Right ? And from

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that that break through those

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breakthrough moments , we were able to

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have real meaningful conversations

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about what I was dealing with . I

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started kind of spiraling a little bit

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more and I found myself kind of going

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back to that extremely dark place where

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I thought I only had one way out again .

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So I remember going to my weekly mental

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health appointment that I had picked

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back up again and I sat down and he

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looked at me and he's like , hey corona

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like how you doing ? And just something

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clicked and my eyes teared up and I

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just talked like really

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talked tears coming down

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Talking about my failures in the ODI

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tech . My failure as a husband laid it

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all out there now I wake up and I think

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okay like I'm gonna conquer this day .

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I can go on the boat . I can go fishing .

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I can go down the dirt road . I can go

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do things with my husband that I can

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never could do before . I think had I

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chosen to continue down that path , I

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might not be sitting where I'm sitting

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today . Can seeking mental health

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impact a career . Yeah , absolutely .

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It can in my case the impact was I got

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the help I needed and I came out the

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other end of it in a better place to

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deal with my past and deal with any of

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the struggles moving forward that I was

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gonna have to deal with . True . Ut

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fashion . I'm still an E . O . D . Guy .

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I'm still the best of the best . Um It

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took me 39 days to finish their 23 day

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treatment program . That place

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saved my life between my commander

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and first sergeant and then my my

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flight chief , they were all very

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supportive of me coming back and they

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brought up the question of like , you

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know , if you want to get out , we can

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help make that happen . I remember

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thinking it was the first time of like

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if I want to get out like

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so the plan is to stay in then and they

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were like , yeah like you know ,

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obviously we'll try to help however we

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can I don't feel like you're alone ,

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don't feel like what you're going

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through . No one ever has . And seeking

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help doesn't make you less of a person

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or less of an airman or less of anybody

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just get the help . You will feel so

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much better . You'll thank yourself .

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You would probably be surprised that

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you've got more support surrounding you

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than you would like to give credit to .

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Maybe there's somebody that's

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struggling with making a determination

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if they if they're gonna if they're

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gonna take that step because they're

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they're afraid of what their commander

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or their supervisor or whoever else in

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the unit uh may think .

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And if I can do it , they can do it too .

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The more that we start having these

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difficult conversations , the more

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people start talking about suicide and

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suicide attempts and I'm a suicide

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attempt survivor . The easier it's

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gonna be to start talking about the

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fact that getting help

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isn't bad