WEBVTT 00:01.640 --> 00:01.960 mhm 00:15.340 --> 00:16.550 Yeah , mm , 00:23.540 --> 00:24.540 mm . 00:27.040 --> 00:30.400 I asked Michael directly um if he was 00:30.400 --> 00:32.830 thinking about hurting himself , um and 00:32.830 --> 00:35.660 his answer was I would never do that to 00:35.660 --> 00:39.410 you and the boys , I'm a 00:39.410 --> 00:42.090 mental health professional . So it was 00:42.090 --> 00:44.201 very clear to me that he did not want 00:44.201 --> 00:46.960 me involved in his treatment because I 00:46.960 --> 00:49.590 was not his counselor and I needed to 00:49.600 --> 00:52.660 just be his wife . He said , 00:53.140 --> 00:55.740 um you know , put your own oxygen mask 00:55.740 --> 00:57.820 on and then help others 00:57.830 --> 01:01.360 ultimately . Um 01:01.370 --> 01:04.270 that's kind of how things were it was I 01:04.270 --> 01:07.740 got this , you know , take care of 01:07.740 --> 01:11.730 you kind of thing . So I 01:11.740 --> 01:14.500 stayed in my lane and let him do his 01:14.500 --> 01:17.300 thing . And and that probably turned 01:17.300 --> 01:19.300 out to be the worst decision that I 01:19.300 --> 01:20.300 made . 01:24.240 --> 01:27.210 I met Michael joseph deal at a 01:27.220 --> 01:30.500 christmas party , at a bar . Um and we 01:30.510 --> 01:33.860 talked most of the night and um 01:34.640 --> 01:36.807 ended up , you know , I went home that 01:36.807 --> 01:38.810 next morning and said to my mom , I 01:38.810 --> 01:40.977 said , I think I met the guy I'm gonna 01:40.977 --> 01:43.540 marry and she's like , really ? And I 01:43.540 --> 01:45.360 said , yeah , I do . 01:47.240 --> 01:49.590 He was a combat Weatherman , the 01:49.600 --> 01:52.240 special operations group . Um he was 01:52.240 --> 01:54.540 deployed not too long after we met , so 01:54.540 --> 01:56.373 we met in December by the end of 01:56.373 --> 01:58.596 January , he was deployed . So we ended 01:58.596 --> 02:00.651 up doing the long distance thing for 02:00.651 --> 02:04.610 quite some time . He eventually in 2003 02:04.620 --> 02:07.730 asked me to marry him And we got 02:07.730 --> 02:11.210 married in 2004 and uh in 02:11.210 --> 02:14.410 2007 he decided to get out of the 02:14.420 --> 02:17.710 active duty . We took our one year old 02:17.710 --> 02:20.550 son at the time and uh and left and 02:20.550 --> 02:24.130 went home . He tried 02:24.140 --> 02:27.320 volunteer firefighting , he went back 02:27.320 --> 02:29.320 to school , he was trying to do all 02:29.320 --> 02:31.542 these different things . It wasn't , he 02:31.542 --> 02:34.020 wasn't finding that the work 02:34.020 --> 02:36.240 environment was accepting of his 02:36.240 --> 02:38.380 military service as much . You know , 02:38.380 --> 02:40.269 he had all this special operation 02:40.269 --> 02:42.436 service , but no college in the career 02:42.436 --> 02:44.491 world . That was a big transition to 02:44.491 --> 02:47.050 leave active duty to join the civilian 02:47.050 --> 02:49.050 world . He certainly wanted to help 02:49.050 --> 02:50.939 people . That's why he served his 02:50.939 --> 02:53.161 country . But he missed the camaraderie 02:53.161 --> 02:56.340 of the brotherhood of being in the 02:56.340 --> 02:59.240 service . He ended up joining the Air 02:59.240 --> 03:02.010 National Guard after some time and 03:02.010 --> 03:05.400 becoming a firefighter . Going from 03:05.400 --> 03:08.870 active duty to the Guard or reserve 03:08.870 --> 03:10.690 component was 03:10.700 --> 03:14.090 difficult . Thank you . 03:15.040 --> 03:16.040 Yeah , 03:18.340 --> 03:22.110 In 2010 , we 03:22.110 --> 03:25.260 welcome to our second son . Um , so in 03:25.260 --> 03:28.020 the midst of all of this , he started 03:28.020 --> 03:31.150 to struggle with concentration and lack 03:31.150 --> 03:34.540 of sleep . And I think all of that 03:34.540 --> 03:36.318 turned into the perfect storm . 03:36.740 --> 03:40.530 We were scheduled to 03:40.530 --> 03:44.030 go to the beach after our drill weekend . 03:44.040 --> 03:47.940 Michael had to work A 48 hour shift and 03:47.940 --> 03:49.996 he was going to meet us at the beach 03:49.996 --> 03:52.150 later that week . You know , I could 03:52.150 --> 03:56.050 tell he was a little off kilter and 03:56.060 --> 03:58.210 I asked him if he wanted us to stay 03:58.210 --> 04:00.800 home . He said , no , I have to work , 04:00.810 --> 04:03.143 what's the point ? And you stay at home ? 04:03.143 --> 04:05.477 And I said , are you sure ? And he said , 04:05.477 --> 04:09.430 yeah , I'm sure go . Mhm . We 04:09.430 --> 04:11.597 got down to the beach in the evening , 04:11.597 --> 04:14.960 I put the kids down at About four I 04:14.960 --> 04:17.600 am and the phone rang and I assumed he 04:17.600 --> 04:19.544 was calling me since we had talked 04:19.544 --> 04:21.544 later and he was having such a hard 04:21.544 --> 04:23.378 time sleeping . I assumed he was 04:23.378 --> 04:25.489 calling me to be like , okay , I'm up 04:25.489 --> 04:27.378 for work and that kind of thing . 04:27.378 --> 04:29.544 Unfortunately , it was a detective who 04:29.544 --> 04:32.180 told me that they had gotten a phone 04:32.180 --> 04:34.870 call um , on a vehicle the side of the 04:34.870 --> 04:38.070 road and that he died by 04:38.070 --> 04:41.890 suicide . Yes , I'm sure I 04:41.900 --> 04:45.620 got my sleeping kids 04:45.630 --> 04:49.020 put them in the car . Um We were at the 04:49.020 --> 04:51.690 beach about three hours away , took me 04:51.690 --> 04:53.950 about two hours to get home . I brought 04:53.950 --> 04:56.980 the kids in and I just I had to tell 04:56.980 --> 04:59.202 them that something really bad happened 04:59.202 --> 05:02.550 and that daddy was gone and 05:02.940 --> 05:03.940 daddy had died . 05:08.740 --> 05:12.330 So the next few 05:12.330 --> 05:15.820 weeks was kind of a blur . Um of course 05:15.820 --> 05:19.090 we had the funeral and I 05:19.090 --> 05:21.930 spoke as a mental health provider and I 05:21.930 --> 05:24.660 spoke as his wife . And what I made 05:24.660 --> 05:26.820 really clear , which I think is a 05:26.820 --> 05:29.390 really important point is that the 05:29.390 --> 05:32.620 Michael who took his own life was not 05:32.620 --> 05:35.040 the Michael that I married because the 05:35.040 --> 05:37.590 Michael that I married , I would never 05:37.590 --> 05:38.590 have done 05:38.590 --> 05:43.360 that . 05:49.240 --> 05:52.260 I don't know . Mhm . 05:52.840 --> 05:56.650 After Michael died , I did 05:56.650 --> 05:58.761 not think about taking care of myself 05:58.761 --> 06:01.440 at all , but I knew that I had my 06:01.440 --> 06:03.551 Children that I had to take care of . 06:03.551 --> 06:05.551 So , people kept saying , you're so 06:05.551 --> 06:07.773 strong , you're being so strong . And I 06:07.773 --> 06:10.640 kept saying , I don't have a choice . I 06:10.640 --> 06:12.918 don't have a choice . But to be strong , 06:12.918 --> 06:15.140 I don't have a choice but to get up and 06:15.140 --> 06:17.196 feed them breakfast , there's no one 06:17.196 --> 06:20.700 else to do it . And so I would 06:20.700 --> 06:24.580 say I had to power through a 06:24.580 --> 06:26.747 lot of stuff . Even when I didn't want 06:26.747 --> 06:27.747 to , 06:33.840 --> 06:37.360 the leadership at the base was 06:38.040 --> 06:41.600 reaching out all the time . They 06:41.610 --> 06:44.960 provided someone to help me kind of go 06:44.960 --> 06:46.738 through Michael's things to get 06:46.738 --> 06:48.860 paperwork done . Um 06:50.940 --> 06:53.760 His friends were checking in on me . 06:54.440 --> 06:56.607 Some of them just showed up and did my 06:56.607 --> 07:00.530 dishes um made the food that other 07:00.530 --> 07:03.660 people brought over . It was really 07:03.860 --> 07:07.760 outstanding to see the people who 07:09.040 --> 07:11.096 you didn't realize would step up for 07:11.096 --> 07:12.930 you totally step up for 07:12.930 --> 07:16.360 you . 07:18.720 --> 07:22.520 I was going to therapy myself . I had a 07:22.520 --> 07:26.210 wonderful family that surrounded me 07:26.210 --> 07:28.650 with love . I had friends that they 07:28.650 --> 07:30.817 took care of my grass and they left me 07:30.817 --> 07:33.960 food and my job was wonderful . 07:33.970 --> 07:37.350 They gave me time off to figure out 07:37.940 --> 07:40.710 what was going on . The resource that I 07:40.710 --> 07:43.310 didn't know about is taps is the 07:43.320 --> 07:45.042 tragedy assistance program for 07:45.042 --> 07:47.270 survivors . They have helped me in a 07:47.270 --> 07:50.150 way to connect with other survivors . 07:50.540 --> 07:54.460 So it's so 07:55.440 --> 07:58.300 interesting to get the perspective from 07:58.300 --> 08:00.840 a mother who has lost a child , a 08:00.840 --> 08:04.350 spouse who has lost their spouse or a 08:04.350 --> 08:06.350 child who's lost their parents and 08:06.360 --> 08:08.750 listening to their stories and knowing 08:08.750 --> 08:11.930 that I'm not alone and in the same time 08:11.930 --> 08:15.790 being able to show love 08:15.790 --> 08:18.000 and care for somebody else whose story 08:18.000 --> 08:21.590 is so tragic . So to have people that 08:21.590 --> 08:24.060 get it is huge . 08:34.240 --> 08:37.200 I think if you think that Your loved 08:37.200 --> 08:39.690 one is at risk , you need to ask the 08:39.690 --> 08:42.130 question , you need to say , are you 08:42.130 --> 08:44.241 thinking about killing yourself ? Are 08:44.241 --> 08:46.352 you thinking about hurting yourself ? 08:46.352 --> 08:48.810 You need to get them to a safe place ? 08:49.740 --> 08:51.907 You need to let them know that they're 08:51.907 --> 08:55.860 not alone . You need to 08:55.860 --> 08:58.027 let them know how much you love them , 08:58.027 --> 08:59.971 because I think that's the hardest 08:59.971 --> 09:02.560 thing for someone 09:04.110 --> 09:07.600 in this state of mind to see that their 09:07.600 --> 09:09.760 loved , their wanted , their needed , 09:10.240 --> 09:13.530 and that this is a bump in the road . 09:14.740 --> 09:17.480 It's not a complete derailment . The 09:17.480 --> 09:19.091 thing that I could see doing 09:19.091 --> 09:22.460 differently is as his family , 09:24.240 --> 09:28.230 not letting him isolate , being 09:28.230 --> 09:30.397 pushy and he could have been mad at me 09:30.397 --> 09:32.619 for being pushy and being a pain in his 09:32.619 --> 09:36.250 neck . But ultimately , that could have 09:36.260 --> 09:38.630 been the difference . I think I was so 09:38.630 --> 09:41.070 afraid he would be mad at me or it 09:41.070 --> 09:44.140 would affect his career or whatever the 09:44.140 --> 09:46.730 case may be . And ultimately , it was 09:46.730 --> 09:49.760 more important that he's alive verse 09:50.140 --> 09:52.440 whether he's mad at me or not . Yeah , 09:53.140 --> 09:56.760 I wish that the culture 09:57.140 --> 10:01.090 and the stigma was not an 10:01.090 --> 10:03.710 issue for anybody in the Air Force or 10:03.710 --> 10:05.599 anybody in the military . Because 10:05.599 --> 10:08.350 ultimately , the culture has in the 10:08.350 --> 10:12.100 past been if you get help 10:12.140 --> 10:14.580 your week and that is so far from the 10:14.580 --> 10:17.740 truth . You know , in the military , 10:17.750 --> 10:20.860 they have a number of resources they 10:20.860 --> 10:22.980 can call , they have the veterans 10:22.980 --> 10:25.810 crisis number , they have the chaplains , 10:25.820 --> 10:29.130 they have mental health , they 10:29.130 --> 10:32.820 have 1st Sergeants and Supervisors & 10:32.820 --> 10:35.260 Commanders . I mean , I can't even 10:35.260 --> 10:37.430 count on both my hands how many 10:37.430 --> 10:40.450 resources that they have . And I feel 10:40.450 --> 10:42.617 like if he could have used just one of 10:42.617 --> 10:44.728 them , it could have been a different 10:44.728 --> 10:48.400 story . It takes an incredibly 10:48.400 --> 10:51.130 strong person to say that they need 10:51.130 --> 10:53.710 help , and it takes an incredibly brave 10:53.710 --> 10:55.760 person to go get it .