WEBVTT

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(instrumental music)

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- I'm Master Sergeant Emmeri Batista.

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I go by B.

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I work at the 341st OMRS

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and I've been here for years.

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Been in my military career
about almost 18 years.

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A couple of years back I
was diagnosed with PTSD,

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depression and anxiety.

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It is an ugly beast.

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(laughs)

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That's the best way I can put it.

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But I am something of what
you call high functioning.

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So you wouldn't really
know unless I told you.

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I bury myself in work to a point where,

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there "Oh, Sergeant
Batista's performing at 100%"

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is really my 50%

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and they don't catch
it unless I tell them.

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I have mastered how to wear double mask.

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There's a work me and there's a me.

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I sometimes forget to take off the work me

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just so I don't have to confront.

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For me it's one of those
things where I am...

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I'm working on it but it's
a one mistake thing for me.

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If there's anything that
you say to me as far as why,

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excuse me, as far as the lack of sympathy

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or lack of empathy, I tend to
cut people off immediately.

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I still deal with you,

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I will still act professional towards you

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but as a person I'm no
longer connected to you.

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I've been in and out of
health for probably...

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I've been in almost 18 years,
probably 15 of those years.

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I get sick, my stomach starts turning,

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I have appointments or
meetings I must attend

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and I try to find every excuse to not go.

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Having to confront that is exhausting

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and it's difficult.

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And it shouldn't be taken lightly.

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It's not just to me, it's
not just talking to somebody,

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it's expressing vulnerability

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and I do not like expressing
vulnerabilities, I do not.

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They say a lot of these
things are generational,

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so I do believe that
there is something in me

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that was passed on

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and I want to break
that wheel for my girls.

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I don't want them to go through
X amount of years of therapy

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because of me.

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I want them to be their light

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and I want them to shine.

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I think a couple of years back,

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when I found out I couldn't have kids

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I discovered that I
didn't wanna live anymore.

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Something to me told me
to tell my supervisor,

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Sergeant Ellis, I will never forget her,

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and she closed the door

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and I said, "I have to talk to you."

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And honestly, it was just that
little mustard seed of hope.

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And she was that mustard seed.

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I explained everything to her

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and she was shocked because she didn't...

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And mind you we were very close.

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I just do a very good job of hiding it.

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And she made sure I was taken care of.

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So she was the one

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as well as Chief Retired Styles

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and Sergeant Powell back in Kadena.

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They're the reason why
I'm still here today.

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There's a saying of,

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"Are you a warrior or are you a worrier?"

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I worry, every day.

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There's nothing...

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A lot of people see me

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and they see me as this
confident well put together, B,

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when it's quite opposite.

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Some days it's...

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I describe my depression
as a roller coaster ride.

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Some days I'm at a peak

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and some days I'm...

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I don't know how I'm functioning.

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Sometimes the days look like,
"Do I really wanna shower?

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"Do I really wanna comb my hair?

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"Do I really wanna put myself together?

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"Do I really wanna get out of this bed?

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"Do I really want to live?"

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So I think it depends on the day,

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but then there's other
days where I feel like

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I can conquer the world

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and heal everybody and
fix everything and...

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But it takes a toll.

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I think the hardest thing

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with the mood changes is
trying to suppress them

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so they don't show out too much.

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There are trusted individuals

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that I can be a little bit of me with

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but I'm still very hesitant to
show them a little bit more.

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In my past I've pushed people away

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with showing them a little bit more.

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They don't know how to
deal with somebody like me.

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I don't even know how to
deal with somebody like me.

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So the first time I decided

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that I was gonna open up a little bit,

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I was told that I was weak

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and they bubble wrapped me.

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Everything they did and said around me

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was walking around eggshells.

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And again, I pride myself off my work.

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So they were trying to...

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It felt to me that they were
trying to cut me at the knees

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even though that wasn't their intent.

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They were more than likely
trying to protect me

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but instead of asking me
what it was that I needed,

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they assumed.

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And I think that's where we go wrong.

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If somebody breaks a nail

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and that to them is the biggest thing

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that's ever happened to them,

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is my job as your friend,
partner, associate, leader,

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manager, whatever you want to
call me, to empathize for that

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and try to help you through it.

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Not compare well, "My stuff
is bigger than yours."

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That's not what I'm here for.

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I'm here to try to help
you work through it.

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Doesn't matter how big or small.

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So my advice is to be empathetic

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and be kind and see people as individuals.

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So if you guys ever need
to seek help, please do.

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We have excellent resources
here at Malmstrom.

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We have amazing individuals here

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and I see you.

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(instrumental music)