WEBVTT 00:04.247 --> 00:06.440 (audience clapping) 00:06.440 --> 00:07.970 - Good morning Maxwell. 00:07.970 --> 00:09.760 Wow, okay. 00:09.760 --> 00:12.683 Is the house light going down? 00:13.800 --> 00:16.540 Good, now I can see you all, excellent. 00:16.540 --> 00:19.190 Wow, it looks really different from up here, 00:19.190 --> 00:21.628 a sea of camouflage. 00:21.628 --> 00:22.840 (audience members chuckle) 00:22.840 --> 00:24.200 Guess what, it's working. 00:24.200 --> 00:26.943 Because I can see the civilians and the instructors. 00:27.780 --> 00:29.101 Yeah, can't see you guys. 00:29.101 --> 00:30.610 Just kidding. 00:30.610 --> 00:35.330 Right, I generally, in my work, 00:35.330 --> 00:37.000 don't tell people what to do. 00:37.000 --> 00:39.610 But, this minute, I will tell you what to do. 00:39.610 --> 00:42.143 I want you to jot my email address down, 00:43.110 --> 00:48.110 because I got so excited about bringing all my stuff here, 00:48.310 --> 00:51.120 and then they told me I only have 18 minutes. 00:51.120 --> 00:53.400 So I couldn't squash everything all at once. 00:53.400 --> 00:57.573 If I finish midway, I am going to send you my slide. 00:58.460 --> 00:59.810 I will share them with you. 01:01.070 --> 01:04.220 I will go over power and ego today. 01:04.220 --> 01:07.140 And just in case I don't have enough time to cover 01:07.140 --> 01:08.670 the secret to love and work, 01:08.670 --> 01:11.330 because I know that's what you guys are here for, 01:11.330 --> 01:12.313 in case I don't get to that, 01:12.313 --> 01:14.393 I will send them to you personally. 01:15.270 --> 01:16.490 Is that a good deal? 01:16.490 --> 01:18.740 Oh, they are sending the, are putting them. 01:18.740 --> 01:20.770 Okay, you guys are dark in here, 01:20.770 --> 01:22.180 I can't see you guys that well. 01:22.180 --> 01:24.280 So if you wanna pick your nose, or anything like that, 01:24.280 --> 01:27.823 feel free. (audience laughing) 01:31.030 --> 01:35.760 There is a caveat, a general caveat, in psychology. 01:35.760 --> 01:37.203 And it goes like this: 01:39.070 --> 01:42.316 as adults we actively try to master 01:42.316 --> 01:45.353 what we passively suffered as children. 01:47.650 --> 01:50.610 The difference between being a child and an adult 01:50.610 --> 01:53.680 is that, as an adult, we have the power to choose 01:53.680 --> 01:56.573 to change ourselves and change our outcome. 02:01.573 --> 02:06.210 In that spirit, I'm gonna go back to when I was a kid. 02:06.210 --> 02:09.820 I was raised in a very traditional Korean family. 02:09.820 --> 02:14.760 And also, within our strict Presbyterian church, 02:14.760 --> 02:17.220 we were very active in that church. 02:17.220 --> 02:20.460 And the message I got, as long as I can remember, as a kid, 02:20.460 --> 02:24.706 was that, if you don't have external gonads, 02:24.706 --> 02:27.263 you're not that important. 02:28.720 --> 02:32.170 So, being raised in that environment, 02:32.170 --> 02:36.020 and also because I wasn't very good with math and science, 02:36.020 --> 02:38.780 my parents decided I wasn't that bright. 02:38.780 --> 02:41.420 When you get that kind of message as a kid, 02:41.420 --> 02:43.053 it does have impact. 02:44.130 --> 02:47.200 And also, if you are told that your two older brothers 02:47.200 --> 02:50.313 are more important than you, that also has impact. 02:51.672 --> 02:55.460 So, growing up, the message I got was, 02:55.460 --> 02:57.060 within the Korean culture, 02:57.060 --> 03:01.637 my job as a daughter and a sister, 03:03.260 --> 03:06.140 my job was to honor my father, my brothers, 03:06.140 --> 03:09.440 and then when I got married, to honor my husband, 03:09.440 --> 03:11.623 and then later on to honor my sons. 03:12.580 --> 03:14.580 Strong message, isn't it? 03:14.580 --> 03:18.740 And that indicated to me that my power came from men, 03:18.740 --> 03:19.673 or through men. 03:20.690 --> 03:24.628 So, considering that I was a shy, very quiet, 03:24.628 --> 03:27.750 and not that bright, according to my family. 03:27.750 --> 03:29.200 Because, if you're Korean, 03:29.200 --> 03:32.070 and if you can't do math or science, 03:32.070 --> 03:35.463 then, actually, you're officially considered an idiot. 03:35.463 --> 03:37.110 (audience members chuckling) 03:37.110 --> 03:40.007 And then my mom said, "but that's okay, 03:40.007 --> 03:42.540 "as long as you marry well." 03:42.540 --> 03:45.900 And what she meant was, as long as you marry rich. 03:45.900 --> 03:47.880 And marry well, I did. 03:47.880 --> 03:50.800 I married a wealthy, successful man. 03:50.800 --> 03:53.423 And I thought, okay, I got my power now, don't I? 03:54.300 --> 03:56.120 That wasn't the case. 03:56.120 --> 04:00.420 Because when I wanted to apply for my Masters program, 04:00.420 --> 04:04.840 my husband said, "why would you want a Masters degree?" 04:04.840 --> 04:07.127 And I said, "well, you know, then I can teach psychology 04:07.127 --> 04:09.374 "in a local community college." 04:09.374 --> 04:14.047 And he said, (laughs), "well, I can't picture you 04:14.047 --> 04:17.977 "standing in front of people, lecturing." 04:20.330 --> 04:21.930 And I said, "well, why not?" 04:21.930 --> 04:25.590 He goes, "I just can't." 04:25.590 --> 04:26.423 And he said, "which schools 04:26.423 --> 04:27.940 are you thinking about applying?" 04:27.940 --> 04:30.787 And I said, "my professors think that I have the grades 04:30.787 --> 04:33.580 "to apply to Ivy League schools and other schools." 04:33.580 --> 04:35.717 And then he said, "you're not gonna get in. 04:35.717 --> 04:36.817 "Do you know how hard it is? 04:36.817 --> 04:38.557 "How competitive it is? 04:38.557 --> 04:42.560 "Just don't be disappointed if you get rejected." 04:42.560 --> 04:46.189 Luckily I had great mentors at the University of Virginia. 04:46.189 --> 04:49.193 Dr. Parham, Dr. Alcuni, to this day, 04:49.193 --> 04:53.290 I pay my homage to them. 04:53.290 --> 04:56.750 They saw something in me that I didn't see. 04:56.750 --> 05:00.810 They saw something in me that my parents didn't see, 05:00.810 --> 05:02.490 or couldn't see. 05:02.490 --> 05:07.223 And they saw something in me that my husband refused to see. 05:08.480 --> 05:10.640 So the day I got my acceptance letter 05:10.640 --> 05:12.123 from Harvard University, 05:13.880 --> 05:15.102 I fired my family, 05:15.102 --> 05:16.533 (audience laughs) 05:16.533 --> 05:18.733 I left my husband, 05:19.920 --> 05:21.857 and I moved to a different church. 05:21.857 --> 05:24.857 (audience clapping) 05:26.530 --> 05:27.945 The reason I tell you this story 05:27.945 --> 05:31.285 is not because I want to be up here and tell you 05:31.285 --> 05:33.380 how great I am, because I'm not. 05:33.380 --> 05:36.620 I'm a work in progress like everybody else. 05:36.620 --> 05:37.850 The reason that I share this story 05:37.850 --> 05:42.850 is because if a shy, little, immigrant kid 05:43.041 --> 05:47.530 who had her hopes and dreams pounded out of her, 05:47.530 --> 05:52.490 if I can learn to be happy, successful, and powerful, 05:52.490 --> 05:54.713 come on people, anybody can. 05:56.070 --> 05:59.100 Anybody, I kid you not. 05:59.100 --> 06:02.090 It's one of the reasons I became a psychologist, 06:02.090 --> 06:03.940 and a coaching psychologist, at that. 06:07.770 --> 06:09.983 So, does everybody have my email? 06:11.391 --> 06:16.391 The third, you know what, I'm just gonna go on, here. 06:16.820 --> 06:17.980 How to train your dragon. 06:17.980 --> 06:19.430 I know it sounds really, ah, 06:19.430 --> 06:20.520 have you seen the movie? 06:20.520 --> 06:21.480 Anyone seen the movie? 06:21.480 --> 06:22.952 Okay, good, all right. 06:22.952 --> 06:24.970 Not a lot of referral to that, 06:24.970 --> 06:28.740 but I love the concept of the dragon. 06:28.740 --> 06:33.299 I also love the concept of the tiger and the lion, oh my. 06:33.299 --> 06:35.340 (audience chuckles) 06:35.340 --> 06:36.420 I couldn't choose. 06:36.420 --> 06:38.623 So I chose dragon because it's mythical. 06:39.760 --> 06:40.593 And because I like it. 06:40.593 --> 06:43.620 Does anyone have a tattoo of a dragon? 06:43.620 --> 06:47.110 Ooh! There you go, okay. 06:47.110 --> 06:52.110 Now, everybody has a dragon, or a lion, 06:52.406 --> 06:54.960 or a tiger inside them. 06:54.960 --> 06:57.910 This is where your ego, your power, 06:57.910 --> 07:00.200 this is where your passion, 07:00.200 --> 07:01.620 this is where you courage, 07:01.620 --> 07:04.563 this is where you anger live. 07:05.690 --> 07:06.980 And that's a bit confusing, 07:06.980 --> 07:11.040 because anger is not a good thing, you're told. 07:11.040 --> 07:13.333 Ego is not a good thing, you've been told. 07:14.640 --> 07:16.480 So we'll tease that out today. 07:16.480 --> 07:18.280 I'm a huge fan of anger. 07:18.280 --> 07:20.812 Anger is probably one of the most misunderstood emotions 07:20.812 --> 07:22.742 that we have, 07:22.742 --> 07:25.992 because, without the fire, without the fire from the anger, 07:25.992 --> 07:30.992 I'm not sure how expressive you can be in courage, 07:31.280 --> 07:34.710 passion, confidence, and ego. 07:34.710 --> 07:37.473 They all are kissing cousins of each other. 07:38.430 --> 07:40.660 Does that make sense, you guys? 07:40.660 --> 07:43.680 You know that feeling when you, yeah, uh huh, 07:43.680 --> 07:44.710 it's from the same place. 07:44.710 --> 07:45.650 It's from your dragon. 07:45.650 --> 07:47.330 It's from your tiger, it's from your lion. 07:47.330 --> 07:48.599 Which animal, it's from your King Kong. 07:48.599 --> 07:50.413 You choose. 07:56.550 --> 08:01.550 Out of the 146,000 books on leadership and management, 08:01.550 --> 08:04.275 and how many times have you read 08:04.275 --> 08:09.275 the different definitions of power? 08:09.540 --> 08:12.240 And this one, folks, is my favorite. 08:12.240 --> 08:14.170 And I'm sticking with this one. 08:14.170 --> 08:17.300 Power is not about having control over somebody, 08:17.300 --> 08:20.340 or control over, or power over somebody. 08:20.340 --> 08:21.570 It really is a capacity. 08:21.570 --> 08:25.973 It's your capacity to create change and shift outcomes. 08:28.900 --> 08:32.053 Not just your own outcome, but other people's outcome. 08:35.760 --> 08:37.173 And how do you get this? 08:39.990 --> 08:43.653 There're four easy ways of getting and attaining your power. 08:44.900 --> 08:46.540 I'm gonna do a demonstration, I'll show you. 08:46.540 --> 08:47.890 I don't have to tell you. 08:47.890 --> 08:50.503 I want you all to bow your head really low. 08:53.280 --> 08:56.273 And I want you to try and say I am powerful. 08:57.360 --> 08:59.072 I am powerful, say it. 08:59.072 --> 09:02.560 (mumbles) Exactly. 09:02.560 --> 09:05.040 There's incongruence. 09:05.040 --> 09:08.094 Your body has to let the brain know. 09:08.094 --> 09:13.094 Because your brain is always looking for dopamine, 09:13.380 --> 09:16.680 oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. 09:16.680 --> 09:18.550 You don't need to know all this, I'm telling you. 09:18.550 --> 09:20.150 I'm just showing off my science. 09:21.670 --> 09:23.473 Now, sit up straight. 09:25.510 --> 09:26.343 Head up high. 09:27.230 --> 09:31.067 And now tell me, I am powerful. 09:31.067 --> 09:32.880 I am-- - I am powerful. 09:32.880 --> 09:34.740 - Oh, come on! (audience laughing) 09:34.740 --> 09:35.884 Again. 09:35.884 --> 09:37.484 I am powerful. - I am powerful. 09:38.810 --> 09:42.980 - Yes, about now you're going to feel a bit tingling 09:42.980 --> 09:45.470 around your head, on your scalp. 09:45.470 --> 09:47.760 Just a bit in the crown. 09:47.760 --> 09:50.670 This is the chemicals working. 09:50.670 --> 09:53.160 I think it's 'cause it's physical. 09:53.160 --> 09:56.850 So you're releasing hormones and chemicals in your brain 09:56.850 --> 09:58.150 with your body. 09:58.150 --> 09:59.660 So, to get power, one of the ways, 09:59.660 --> 10:00.710 the quickest way you can do it, 10:00.710 --> 10:02.193 is to change your physiology. 10:05.262 --> 10:09.050 Okay, you're cheating now. 10:09.050 --> 10:12.530 Second fast way for you to get the power and to maintain 10:12.530 --> 10:15.110 is your words. 10:15.110 --> 10:17.660 Your words can make or break you 10:17.660 --> 10:21.020 because your words, they make up your thoughts, 10:21.020 --> 10:22.940 they fire up your emotions, 10:22.940 --> 10:25.440 and they hook up to your attitude. 10:25.440 --> 10:28.580 And this attitude is what's going to dictate your action 10:28.580 --> 10:29.603 and your behavior. 10:31.770 --> 10:34.450 And sometimes, it's difficult to change a behavior, 10:34.450 --> 10:35.500 your attitude, and emotion, 10:35.500 --> 10:36.680 because that's a lot of energy. 10:36.680 --> 10:38.350 It takes time, it takes practice. 10:38.350 --> 10:40.610 If you get stuck in the thought. 10:40.610 --> 10:43.010 You're thinking something rubbish, something negative, 10:43.010 --> 10:44.960 and you get stuck in that thought. 10:44.960 --> 10:46.340 Before you get to the emotion, 10:46.340 --> 10:47.550 because it hooks up with emotion, 10:47.550 --> 10:49.130 I want you to try something. 10:49.130 --> 10:52.693 You gotta ask the question, is it thought, or is it reality? 10:53.870 --> 10:57.260 And at that moment, you can distinguish, 10:57.260 --> 10:58.663 and you can talk yourself. 10:59.550 --> 11:01.863 Most of the time it's thought, 11:01.863 --> 11:03.690 and making stuff up because our brain 11:03.690 --> 11:07.110 is wired to tell stories and to listen to stories. 11:07.110 --> 11:09.510 Is that something you would like to try sometime? 11:09.510 --> 11:10.343 When you get there, 11:10.343 --> 11:12.260 start to think I'm not very good at this, 11:12.260 --> 11:14.168 you start to second doubt, 11:14.168 --> 11:16.347 second, what am I looking for? 11:16.347 --> 11:17.700 - Guess. - Thank you. 11:17.700 --> 11:19.090 Yeah, second guess. 11:19.090 --> 11:20.670 And if you start to doubt yourself, 11:20.670 --> 11:22.888 that's when you ask the question is it thought? 11:22.888 --> 11:25.203 Or is it reality? 11:26.227 --> 11:31.010 So, instantly, physiology, words and thoughts. 11:31.010 --> 11:33.675 Third one is, you know what? 11:33.675 --> 11:36.777 Okay, I'm just looking up there. 11:36.777 --> 11:39.180 Third one is check your crew. 11:39.180 --> 11:42.540 You've gotta clean up your crew, clean up your clan. 11:42.540 --> 11:45.110 We are the average of five people 11:45.110 --> 11:46.743 we spend the most time with. 11:48.170 --> 11:49.740 So look around you. 11:49.740 --> 11:51.460 Who are you spending the most time with? 11:51.460 --> 11:52.830 How are they affecting you? 11:52.830 --> 11:54.530 How are you affecting them? 11:54.530 --> 11:56.700 You are the average of five people 11:56.700 --> 11:58.400 that you spend the most time with. 12:00.500 --> 12:03.593 When it's time to clean house, you've gotta do that. 12:05.230 --> 12:06.063 Yeah? 12:06.940 --> 12:08.506 You're all looking around going, hm. 12:08.506 --> 12:13.000 If someone's got bad juju, and is bringing down your mojo, 12:13.000 --> 12:15.580 you gotta clean house. 12:15.580 --> 12:17.890 Sometimes you have to be ruthless. 12:17.890 --> 12:20.530 And the only way that you can save yourself 12:20.530 --> 12:21.363 from other people 12:21.363 --> 12:26.290 is making sure that you clean your boundaries. 12:26.290 --> 12:27.283 The third is, 12:30.440 --> 12:31.273 the boundaries. 12:31.273 --> 12:33.620 And you're thinking, what is that? 12:33.620 --> 12:36.970 It's the space, emotional space, physical space, 12:36.970 --> 12:39.453 social space, between the other person and you. 12:42.340 --> 12:44.860 When you know your stuff 12:44.860 --> 12:48.930 is not their stuff. 12:48.930 --> 12:50.340 So you gotta recognize where you end, 12:50.340 --> 12:53.080 and where the other person begins. 12:53.080 --> 12:55.100 It's the only way you're going to recognize 12:55.100 --> 12:58.610 when someone is imposing or intruding onto your space. 12:58.610 --> 13:00.800 When you're able to push them back because you're aware, 13:00.800 --> 13:03.010 that's not my stuff. 13:03.010 --> 13:04.863 That's where assertiveness lives. 13:06.930 --> 13:11.430 And this will require some ego awareness, ego education. 13:11.430 --> 13:13.250 And we'll get to that. 13:13.250 --> 13:15.750 Is this making sense for you guys? 13:15.750 --> 13:16.970 Four easy ways. 13:16.970 --> 13:18.320 Three really quick ways, 13:18.320 --> 13:20.110 and one that takes a bit of time. 13:20.110 --> 13:22.330 I know that we've been talking about emotional intelligence 13:22.330 --> 13:23.310 and self awareness. 13:23.310 --> 13:24.890 This is where it comes in handy, 13:24.890 --> 13:26.180 in cleaning your boundaries. 13:26.180 --> 13:28.693 You gotta know what your stuff is 13:28.693 --> 13:30.723 and what the other person's issue is. 13:34.810 --> 13:37.563 Do you know anyone with a big ego? 13:39.250 --> 13:40.940 Everyone's like "yes." 13:40.940 --> 13:43.339 Uh huh, look around you. 13:43.339 --> 13:47.410 We all have egos, some people bigger than others. 13:47.410 --> 13:49.680 Sometimes you don't have to look around very far 13:49.680 --> 13:52.453 because it's you that may have the big ego. 13:53.940 --> 13:56.050 This is one of the few times that you will hear 13:56.050 --> 13:58.590 that there's nothing wrong with having a big ego. 13:58.590 --> 13:59.870 And I'll be the first one to tell you, 13:59.870 --> 14:02.450 and we'll talk about why. 14:02.450 --> 14:04.820 Because there are two parts to your ego. 14:04.820 --> 14:06.540 First part is the starter ego. 14:06.540 --> 14:09.080 That's where, really, this me, myself, and I. 14:09.080 --> 14:11.980 This is where you get egocentric, 14:11.980 --> 14:14.342 this is where you start to think about 14:14.342 --> 14:17.145 what opportunities do I have? 14:17.145 --> 14:19.400 This is where you become competitive. 14:19.400 --> 14:22.840 This is where you become emotionally dialed up. 14:22.840 --> 14:26.820 You hold on to grudges when you don't get what you need. 14:26.820 --> 14:30.880 And you have the tendency to want to be right. 14:30.880 --> 14:33.653 And also you seek superiority. 14:33.653 --> 14:34.486 And you're thinking well, 14:34.486 --> 14:35.410 that sounds really bad, doesn't it? 14:35.410 --> 14:37.750 Because it's stuff that they tell you not to do. 14:37.750 --> 14:38.583 Is that right? 14:38.583 --> 14:41.571 Mm hm, yeah, well there's more, 14:41.571 --> 14:45.152 tons more that you're not supposed to do 14:45.152 --> 14:48.750 that you expect perfection in other people, and in yourself. 14:48.750 --> 14:51.710 You use judgment and you are critical 14:51.710 --> 14:53.260 of yourself and other people. 14:53.260 --> 14:56.803 You are jealous when someone else gets successful. 14:58.760 --> 15:00.940 Do you have these tendencies? 15:00.940 --> 15:03.780 Yes, because we all have these tendencies 15:03.780 --> 15:05.863 because we all have egos. 15:05.863 --> 15:09.283 Now, I'm gonna tell you that this is okay. 15:10.930 --> 15:15.883 You're going, "that's not what my supervisor's telling me. 15:18.890 --> 15:20.270 'Cause it's confusing. 15:20.270 --> 15:22.930 First they tell you have to beef up your confidence 15:22.930 --> 15:24.130 They tell you that, you know what? 15:24.130 --> 15:26.060 You have to roar like a lion, even though there are times 15:26.060 --> 15:27.650 when you feel like a little kitten. 15:27.650 --> 15:29.900 And then, at the same breath 15:29.900 --> 15:31.450 they say "now you gotta commit." 15:31.450 --> 15:32.323 Ego side. 15:34.180 --> 15:36.400 Yeah, big egos not allowed. 15:36.400 --> 15:37.233 So, what it is? 15:37.233 --> 15:38.860 Make up your mind people. 15:38.860 --> 15:40.370 You're teaching us be confidence 15:40.370 --> 15:42.300 but at the same time you can't be arrogant, 15:42.300 --> 15:44.213 or you can't have too much of an ego. 15:45.270 --> 15:48.230 Confusing, I will clarify this for you. 15:48.230 --> 15:51.450 Because there's a need for both sides of your ego. 15:51.450 --> 15:53.923 The starter ego that sparks the fire, 15:55.196 --> 15:58.250 and the fanning of the fire by progressive ego, 15:58.250 --> 16:00.177 the other part of the ego, 16:00.177 --> 16:02.783 where you recognize that this is not about me. 16:02.783 --> 16:04.940 Remember the list of all the things 16:04.940 --> 16:06.515 that you are not supposed to do? 16:06.515 --> 16:10.560 That you need to get to where you go 16:10.560 --> 16:13.620 because that's your fire, that starts the fire. 16:13.620 --> 16:16.040 This is the part that is progressive, 16:16.040 --> 16:18.060 where you recognize, once you get there, 16:18.060 --> 16:19.203 it's not about you. 16:24.270 --> 16:27.730 This is the part where you, as a leader, 16:27.730 --> 16:31.660 you lead by developing other leaders. 16:31.660 --> 16:35.410 You're not leading to create other followers, 16:35.410 --> 16:40.410 but your leading to create other leaders. 16:40.873 --> 16:43.550 And there's time for perfection. 16:43.550 --> 16:45.380 There is your clear boundaries, 16:45.380 --> 16:46.440 because you know the difference 16:46.440 --> 16:48.273 between your stuff and their stuff. 16:49.290 --> 16:50.980 And you're thinking possibilities. 16:50.980 --> 16:54.290 Your also in a position where this ego gives, 16:54.290 --> 16:57.933 and you forgive people's mistakes as well as your own. 16:59.360 --> 17:01.473 And check this out, the word forgive, 17:02.457 --> 17:05.040 a lot of people assume it's forgive, 17:05.040 --> 17:06.320 means to give first. 17:06.320 --> 17:08.170 Is that what you thought? 17:08.170 --> 17:10.230 Forgive, have you thought about the word forgive? 17:10.230 --> 17:11.063 It's not. 17:11.063 --> 17:15.300 Anyone speaking German, German speakers? 17:15.300 --> 17:16.990 Not a single German speaker. 17:16.990 --> 17:18.290 Latin? 17:18.290 --> 17:20.990 Right, oh good, I can make stuff up. 17:20.990 --> 17:25.360 Yeah, it means, literally means, to give completely. 17:25.360 --> 17:30.050 So this ego is the part of the ego that gives completely. 17:30.050 --> 17:31.970 So, you need both of your ego. 17:31.970 --> 17:34.470 The starter ego to start the fire, 17:34.470 --> 17:37.480 and the progressive ego to fan that fire. 17:37.480 --> 17:38.570 Does that make sense? 17:38.570 --> 17:41.760 Now we have distinguished and physically defined 17:41.760 --> 17:42.883 this ego for you. 17:45.390 --> 17:46.640 Why do we need it? 17:46.640 --> 17:51.640 Because the starter ego is where go big or home, 17:51.980 --> 17:55.280 this is the part that you get to where you need to go, 17:55.280 --> 17:56.680 and if you wanna stay there, 17:56.680 --> 17:59.160 you need to then pull out your progressive ego 17:59.160 --> 18:00.710 and get it exercised. 18:00.710 --> 18:04.070 This is the part where you get close enough to your team 18:04.070 --> 18:06.360 and your crew, to relate with them. 18:06.360 --> 18:08.380 But at the same time have enough distance 18:08.380 --> 18:10.400 where you can motivate them. 18:10.400 --> 18:12.333 So, these two have to work together. 18:13.180 --> 18:17.860 The problem occurs when people stay and get stuck 18:17.860 --> 18:19.680 in the starter ego. 18:19.680 --> 18:21.530 And if you get stuck in this position 18:21.530 --> 18:25.620 you're going to be expected, and you're going to subjected 18:25.620 --> 18:28.733 to other people massaging your ego. 18:29.852 --> 18:31.560 Again, it's okay for you to have a big ego. 18:31.560 --> 18:33.920 Make sure your aware that you have one, 18:33.920 --> 18:36.020 and that you recognize the needs of it, 18:36.020 --> 18:38.000 and you massage your own ego. 18:38.000 --> 18:41.530 And if you start to let other people massage that for you, 18:41.530 --> 18:43.073 then you've lost the battle. 18:44.100 --> 18:45.580 Does that make sense? 18:45.580 --> 18:46.800 You know a lot of people. 18:46.800 --> 18:50.410 I know you've got a lot of supervisors with big egos. 18:50.410 --> 18:52.170 And for the people who are leading, 18:52.170 --> 18:55.830 if you are in a position where you're allowing 18:55.830 --> 18:58.518 other people to feed your ego, 18:58.518 --> 19:00.533 then you have lost the battle. 19:01.410 --> 19:06.020 Because they are going to just want to feed your ego 19:06.020 --> 19:07.293 and not follow you. 19:10.840 --> 19:12.370 And what really matters to you? 19:12.370 --> 19:14.030 That's the biggest question, really, 19:14.030 --> 19:14.950 what's really important. 19:14.950 --> 19:16.220 We talk about values here, 19:16.220 --> 19:18.110 because, at the end of the day, 19:18.110 --> 19:19.770 at the end of the day, 19:19.770 --> 19:21.470 even though you're talking about leadership, 19:21.470 --> 19:22.930 you're talking about power. 19:22.930 --> 19:27.000 You're power, what you're looking for is recognizing 19:28.760 --> 19:31.160 how your power and your ego express 19:31.160 --> 19:33.313 what's important to you in life. 19:34.240 --> 19:36.570 Leadership is part of life, isn't it? 19:36.570 --> 19:37.460 And then everyone says, well, 19:37.460 --> 19:39.810 you know that thing is complicated, doesn't it? 19:41.610 --> 19:43.190 And I'm going to simplify this for you. 19:43.190 --> 19:44.440 And people who've been in my lab, 19:44.440 --> 19:47.860 you know this equation, yes? 19:47.860 --> 19:48.693 Life? 19:53.330 --> 19:56.020 Where, okay, okay. 19:56.020 --> 19:59.307 Life is about love and work, 19:59.307 --> 20:03.393 and the pursuit of happiness and success for both of these. 20:04.480 --> 20:07.033 Can I repeat that? Can you? 20:08.350 --> 20:11.750 Life is about love, it's all the relationships that you have 20:11.750 --> 20:14.810 in your life and work. 20:14.810 --> 20:17.230 And the pursuit of happiness and success. 20:17.230 --> 20:22.130 And these two, you know what they have in common, these two? 20:22.130 --> 20:22.993 Is you. 20:23.970 --> 20:26.040 So my invitation to you 20:26.040 --> 20:30.160 is to use your ego and your power for good, 20:30.160 --> 20:31.403 and not for evil. 20:32.300 --> 20:33.660 Is that an agreement? 20:33.660 --> 20:35.843 Do you accept the invitation? 20:35.843 --> 20:37.284 Do you accept the invitation? 20:37.284 --> 20:38.886 - Yes. - Yes, okay. 20:38.886 --> 20:41.170 Thank you, my time is up. 20:41.170 --> 20:45.170 And, if you are interested, my book is coming out in October 20:45.170 --> 20:49.970 and if you email me, the first 50, 20:49.970 --> 20:51.810 and we're, it's almost packed, actually, 20:51.810 --> 20:56.165 the first 50 students who email me, 20:56.165 --> 20:58.473 I can send you a free copy. 20:58.473 --> 21:01.640 So, if you have any questions. 21:01.640 --> 21:02.830 And also, if you're interested 21:02.830 --> 21:07.830 in the secret of love and work, 21:08.380 --> 21:10.410 please send me an email. 21:10.410 --> 21:14.270 I'll be happy to share the fundamental needs that you need 21:14.270 --> 21:16.170 to be happy and successful. 21:16.170 --> 21:17.700 Thank you so much, (audience clapping) 21:17.700 --> 21:19.703 and enjoy the rest of the conference. 21:20.641 --> 21:21.474 (audience clapping) 21:21.474 --> 21:22.753 - Thank you so much Dr. Kim.