WEBVTT

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(soft music)

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- September 9th, 1985, was
the day I came into the Navy,

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and I did that...

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I wasn't gonna go in actually.

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I was gonna stay home 'cause
now my brother's deceased.

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I'm the only child,

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and my father pretty much sat
me down and said, you know,

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"You go in.

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You do a good job.

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Do a good job for your brother.

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Do a good job for you.

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Make something out of your life."

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(soft music)

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- Attention on deck!

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- At ease, at ease.

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It's a proactive stance that I'm trying

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to instill in the command, where

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we know what our sailors
are doing on the weekends.

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We know that they have good plans.

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It's okay to drink.

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It's okay to have a good time.

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It's not okay to drink

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and then get behind the wheel of a car.

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You have to think about the consequences.

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(soft music)

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Growing up on Long Island,

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you know, cuttin' out of school

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and hanging out with the wrong people, and

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that turned into,

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you know, bad grades in school,

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barely passing high school, and

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you know, which didn't
leave me with much options

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although my father said,

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you know, if you want to go
to college, he'll pay for it.

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He said, "I'll pay for it.

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No problem, if you want to go."

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And I sad, "No, I don't think
I'm cut out for college,"

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which prompted me to
join up for the military.

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I joined the Navy in,
I'm dating myself now,

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but I joined the Navy in
the Delayed Entry Program

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in November of 1984.

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My brother joined under me as a recruit

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in December of 1984.

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He said some...

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He had a motorcycle accident
before he went in the Navy,

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like several months before, and it...

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Because of his motorcycle
accident, he had...

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He couldn't do pushups.

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He had wrist problems, his arm, whatever,

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so he went into boot camp, couldn't do

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the required physical fitness,

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so he's back home by May.

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And then he joined up,
he signed up for school,

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and between the time he was
supposed to go to school,

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starting in September of that year, 1985,

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and the time he got back
from the Navy in May,

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he, you know, winded up
getting into a car accident

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and, you know, passing away.

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So in July, no, it was June
23rd, 1985, is when it happened.

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He

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was...

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It was about five in the morning.

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He just got finished eating

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at a all-night diner with his friends,

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and instead of going around the corner

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to my father's house and
sleeping for the night,

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he decided to drive, take the
20-minute drive to my house.

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So he had been...

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Before the diner, they were out drinking.

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They were out at bars doing some,

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you know, drinking something,

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but also, you know, it
was five in the morning,

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and he had been up the whole next...

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The last day and that night,

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you know, partying and doing
whatever he was doing and...

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That's why he, you know,
fell asleep, I'm sure.

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The combination of all those things.

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And when he drove off the road,

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he hit a tree straight on,

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and they determined that he was going

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about a hundred miles an hour,

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over a hundred miles an hour when he hit.

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So the Colt car imploded into him.

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That's how he died.

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So fast forward to 20...

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2011.

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I had an 18-year-old son
and a 16-year-old son.

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One night, my son,

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my older son, Anthony, who's
named after my brother Tony,

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him and his buddy go...

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His buddy had just gotten

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his driver's license
like four days before.

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They...

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So they're out that weekend partying,

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drinking, and smoking marijuana, and

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they...

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Go out for a joyride about
one, two in the morning.

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Somehow my son was driving the car,

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and he could not compensate the turn

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and took it too fast,

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and he winded up driving off the road

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and hitting a telephone pole,

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you know, sideways somehow.

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And the car burst into flames,
and both bodies burned.

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So, now I have to live

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in a...

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A life of every little
thing that happens around me

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reminds me of

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my brother or my son.

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Simple things, like if
AC/DC plays on the radio,

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you know, that reminds me of my son,

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and it's not a good thing,

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and I have to change the radio station.

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If I hear the Rolling Stones,

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it makes me think of my brother,

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who, you know, that was
his thing back then.

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When somebody in your family passes away,

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it affects the whole family
for the rest of their lives.

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And...

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People...

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Who haven't experienced loss

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don't know how deep the effect goes.

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(soft music)

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So it's, you know...

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But it's, you know....

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I don't even know how to explain it.

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(laughs) I can't...

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I don't know how to explain it.

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It affects you for the rest of your life.

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There's not a day that goes by

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that I don't think about
my son or my brother.

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Keeps me going.

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Well, you know, I think
about the conversation I had

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with my father back in 1985, you know,

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and he says, you do this for your brother.

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You do this, you know, you
do this for the family,

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but you also do it for yourself.

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You know, that's why...

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That's what drives me.

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That's what's always driven me.

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I always feel I don't do enough
for my brother or my son.

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You know, like I could do more.

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I could be a better person.

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So, therefore, I keep striving
to be better and better.

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(soft music)

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It's a hard subject to talk about.

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So...

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So, I'm not looking for anybody to be...

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Feel sorry for me.

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You know, I have...

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I've had unexpected deaths in my family.

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We deal with it on a daily basis,

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and...

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But I would like people
to take these stories

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and realize that, you know,

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when somebody passes in your family,

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it affects...

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It resonates with the people living.

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It affects them for the
rest of their lives.

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And if you don't care about yourself,

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at least, you know, try to care
about the people around you

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and take care of the people around you

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by taking care of yourself.

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(soft music)

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So my guidance for officers
and sailors in this command

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is to make sure that we

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be proactive,

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make sure people have a plan
before they go out at night,

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make sure that we're
taking care of each other.

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We know what our sailors
are doing on the weekends.

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We know that they have good plans.

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We now that they're responsible
enough to, you know,

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take a cab instead of getting
behind the wheel of a car.

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(soft music)